Radical Acceptance
Acknowledge reality as it is and surrender to the greater wisdom that life offers.
When people start therapy, it’s often because change is desired. Something in life isn’t working and needs to be different. Sometimes it’s clear what needs to be changed. Sometimes it isn’t obvious, so therapy helps to clarify your needs and wants, and the needed changes arise from those. You talk to your therapist about your goals and obstacles. You develop an action plan to make the changes. Maybe you have an accountability partner. You experiment, refine your methods, make other changes. Great!
But here’s the thing. Change is only possible when you can first accept: this isn’t working. This doesn’t feel good. I don’t know how to move forward. I can’t do this alone. I’m scared. Acceptance of reality as it is right now is the first step toward change. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to like what life is giving you. It does mean that you need to acknowledge that life is, indeed, giving you something you don’t want/need/prefer.
Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), understood that acceptance is just as important as change. She added Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance —acceptance skills—to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and created her own brand of therapy that integrates change and acceptance. Life worth living is a dynamic balance of being able to change the things you can and accept the things you can’t. This is otherwise known as the Serenity Prayer.
It is what it is.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Discerning what you can change (but perhaps are unwilling or unskilled to do so), and what you cannot change (the past, other people), requires commitment to face oneself and oftentimes, deep grief and anger. On the other side of this, though, can be a peace “that passes all understanding.”
Here is a poem by Rumi that exemplifies the concept (and practice!) of acceptance:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
